Erin Patten (00:00)
In my last episode, I told y'all a lot. My father, my best friend, my mom, the year I lost myself in Detroit. So it might surprise you to hear this. There's a part of my story that I'm not gonna tell you. Not today, and maybe not ever. And that's not because it's a secret, it's because it's sacred. And private is not the same as hidden. It is Scorpio season, officially today. It's my season.
Erin Patten (00:29)
My birthday is November 20th. So Scorpio season is about depth. It's about power and privacy. So today I'm asking a question. I think every woman who lives any part of her life in public has to answer. What do you owe the people watching? And what do you get to keep for yourself? Especially as a woman, because so many of us were taught that if we want to be believed, we have to show the wound first. But I don't believe that anymore. I'm Erin Patton.
Erin Patten (00:59)
Also known as a Metaphysical Master the Millennial Age, and this is the Meta Business Millennial Podcast. Today I'm talking about the season I disappeared, the difference between hiding to survive, and choosing privacy is power, and a simple way to tell whether you're protecting your peace or protecting a wound. So if you've ever felt like you've had to bleed in public to be taken seriously, stay with me all because this one is for you. Okay?
Erin Patten (01:27)
So once we get into today's episode, I'm just really excited to have you guys here and really just share with you what I think the difference is between privacy and being hidden. Because, like I mentioned before, you know, when I went quiet earlier this year, it was really it started off as a fast. I really wanted to just take a break from social media because I felt like I was.
Erin Patten (01:56)
giving my attention to social media for the wrong reasons. I was using it as a marketing tool, as obviously like my my video journal, my podcast, and then also a dating app. So I was like doing all the things on Instagram, which is completely fine if you can manage all those different aspects of of the platform. But for me it was getting overwhelming emotionally. And so I had to take a step back and recalibrate like, why am I showing up on here every day?
Erin Patten (02:26)
Is it for them? Is it for him? Or is it for me? And I really want it to be about me and my audience of women entrepreneurs, all of you who listen to me and tune in to me, that's what this is about. And so that's why I had to take a step back and essentially be in the private and not necessarily hide how I'm feeling, because obviously I'm able to talk about it now. However,
Erin Patten (02:55)
I needed that privacy to be able to come back to myself and also deal with a lot of things that were happening in my personal life. And so in 2018, I did the same thing. I actually had gotten off Instagram and social media completely for three close to four years. I didn't get back on in until 2020, actually. So
Erin Patten (03:21)
I had gotten off social media around 2018 and I didn't get back on. So so maybe that's more like two years. Two years I had gotten off completely. And this was a different season for me because it wasn't about being private and recalibrated. I was hiding. Okay. That was the difference. I was in a lot of grief. I was in dealing with so much with my family life and even my.
Erin Patten (03:51)
the the my son's father who I had just met and we decided to get pregnant and then was learning who he was as I'm growing a a child, you know, a soul in me that you know was obviously initiated by him. And wow, it was just so much going on in my life that I emotionally could not show up. And on top of that, there was a lot of shame that I had around
Erin Patten (04:21)
In my view, jumping from one man to the next man because I was doing my hair products with someone who was completely toxic and had no business being part of my business, frankly, and then getting right into another relationship because I really wanted to have a son. And honestly, I should have just gone to the sperm bank. I really should have just done that, you know, in hindsight.
Erin Patten (04:49)
But I didn't. I wanted to conceive naturally. And so here I am, you know. So that was my decision. And as I was making all those choices, all of it was incredibly shameful for me. Let's just be honest. I didn't want to be seen pregnant because I wasn't married. So I had a lot of shame around not being married. I had a lot of shame around being with someone who I barely knew and and and having my son.
Erin Patten (05:18)
And I had a lot of shame around you know having to shut down my business and everyone was all also excited for me and had bought all this product for me and I had run a Kickstarter campaign and was traveling all around the country doing all these shows and and promoting the product, and then all of a sudden to shut it down, it just felt like I was failing and I didn't want people to see me. So I was hiding. So I want to name the difference between
Erin Patten (05:47)
my experience in getting off of social media and taking a break and the difference between being private and then hiding because of shame. And you know, this season of me this year, when I kind of got off social media, not kind of when I fasted from social media and then stayed off social media, I genuinely did not have the energy to put into it. Like I really had to go private to to deal with my some situations
Erin Patten (06:16)
Happening on the most personal side, that like I said, I may not be able to share with you today or ever. We'll see how it comes out in a book later in life or something like that, because it was just so intense. And and also recalibrating what this social media being seen meant to me. And I believe this is definitely a conversation that needs to go beyond today. I mean, certainly about the being seen, about being hidden, about
Erin Patten (06:45)
Keeping things private because there is so much in this social media. If it if you didn't capture it on the picture video, it didn't happen, kind of culture that we need to wrestle with and and and really come to terms with. And I want to talk about the three differences in this this aspect of of being seen, and it's number one, who decides. So when you hide, fear decides, okay? So
Erin Patten (07:15)
the hiding, the shame, that's all fear-based programming versus when you're private, it's you deciding. So there's more of a a sovereignty, there's more of a of a ownership and accountability in the privacy, in the healthy boundaries. And so we're gonna always talk about that. So we you really want to think about who is deciding, what is deciding for you in making those decisions between the hidden versus the private. Is it fear?
Erin Patten (07:44)
Or is it sovereignty? Is it fear or is it accountability? Is it shame or is it accountability? Okay. What it costs is this is this is the second thing we want to ask ourselves because the hiding is draining, okay? And that's the cost, essentially. Are we hiding be in because of this fear and shame? Because the fear and shame, as we know, we always have always talked about in this podcast, the the the map of consciousness.
Erin Patten (08:13)
And the energy, the low energy frequency at which fear and shame operate versus having courage, even versus having pride, but having courage, having hope, having optimism, having you know, affirming yourself and affirming I'm gonna keep my situation private because it it's not for anyone else to see right now. It could you be just that simple. And and essentially as we're seeing what it cost us.
Erin Patten (08:43)
Looking at those four leaks that we talked about last week: the activities, the environment, the people, and the thought patterns. So if I'm hiding from people, if I'm hiding from these thoughts that are keeping me in a shameful frequency or in a shameful mindset, be honest with yourself about those things. And remember, we are in a no-judgment zone at all times. There is no punishment here. Okay. And then the third is.
Erin Patten (09:11)
Who is it kept from? who are we keeping these things from? So hiding keeps the situation from everyone. And that's even you and God, including you and God. So when you're hiding, you're generally not even wanting to be seen by yourself. Like for example, when I was going through what I was going through in in 2018, 2019, being off the internet and going through what I was going through being pregnant and dealing with family issues.
Erin Patten (09:40)
I was so ashamed of myself. I I've shared with it before in this podcast and I'll share it again. Like I remember writing in my journal, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.
Erin Patten (09:52)
So that in and of itself is the hiding from self and the hate for hatred for self. And the self-hatred is a real thing. You know, honestly, when we are operating in these shameful places, that's what it is, even though we may not be able to name it as such. Versus when you're keeping things private, you may not be showing the outside world, but you're honest and accountable with yourself and especially with God.
Erin Patten (10:23)
And for me, that was essentially what I was experiencing this season, this year, when I was off the the social media and I was really talking to God, connecting with myself every single day.
Erin Patten (10:39)
Feeling into my emotions, going for my long walks, doing my Stargate priestess meditation and toning and and really tapping into my power. And nobody had to see that. Actually, nobody saw it. Nobody knew. I don't know. People did reach out, like, hey Erin, I haven't been seeing you on social media. People didn't know what was going through. People didn't know, but it was none of their business. And I chose to tell a few people in my circle, of course, because
Erin Patten (11:08)
I'm just really open like that anyway, but at the end of the day, I didn't have to tell anybody. Okay? And it's the same for you. So when you're going through this, you really want to dis d determine who decides? Is it fear deciding or is it me deciding? What is it costing me? Is it costing me energy draining or is it giving me energy? And on and the third piece is who am I keeping this from? Am I hiding from myself or am I just
Erin Patten (11:37)
taking the time to retreat and spend time with myself and God and away from the world.
Erin Patten (11:45)
So, I think this really brings us to a next aspect of the conversation, and that's about the proving. Because so much of the being seen is about proving your value, proving your worth. And I'm I'm noticing this because I'm going now that I'm getting back on social media and I'm honestly owning that I'm a creator, content creator, influencer. And that feels so good in my being because before I was trying to dance around it like, no, I'm
Erin Patten (12:14)
I'm just trying to prom pr promote my business. When in reality, I love to create content. Obviously, I love showing up for this podcast. I love to show up on my stories. I love it. It brings me joy. And before I believed that I was operating in a place of having to prove my value, and I know it because I've been doing it since I was a young girl. the whole Harvard quest was about proving to the world how smart I am.
Erin Patten (12:44)
I wanted everybody in the world to know that I'm smart, I'm intelligent, and I'm capable of going to one of the most esteemed academic intellectual institutions in the world.
Erin Patten (12:57)
Gotta be honest.
Erin Patten (13:00)
And I paid for it. I paid for it. That's why I always say went from Harvard to healing because I graduated from Harvard feeling less than I did when I started. Okay?
Erin Patten (13:14)
What is that about? So then I had to really look at myself and see who was I trying to prove myself to when I don't even feel good on the inside. I don't even feel worthy. I don't even feel valuable. And this is supposed to have been a degree to increase my value in the marketplace, literally.
Erin Patten (13:38)
So my value on paper increased, but my value for me, my value, my worthiness for me was almost non-existent. I had completely given up myself to prove myself to everyone else. And that's the definition of people pleasing, essentially. And
Erin Patten (14:02)
It's interesting because, like I said before, we live in a world where if you didn't take a picture of it, if you didn't get a video of it, it didn't happen, type of situation. So it's almost like we we thrive and operate off proof being the metric, the only metric. And
Erin Patten (14:24)
That's just not necessary. It's just not a truth. And so we really want to be able to reflect and come back to okay, am I really trying to prove myself by being seen or proof prove myself by being out there to show people that I'm doing okay or that I got it? Or am I doing this for me? Does it actually give me fulfillment? And it can be a bit of both, of course. Like wherever you are, that's completely fine. It's just about being honest where we're at.
Erin Patten (14:53)
Okay. And there's certainly a part of me that wants to be able to demonstrate my authority, my thought leadership as I'm creating content and having a good time. So, but at the end of the day, I I'm not doing this for anybody else but me. Like it gives me so much fulfillment to show up for for this podcast, to to speak my truth, to to shine God's light.
Erin Patten (15:20)
And I've been doing this now, y'all, for six years. And my following, particularly on YouTube, I just I it's really not anything. I don't want to poo-poo on myself per se, but trust me, I'm not doing the big numbers that's making me, you know, seven figures yet. Yet I'm still showing up because I love it. And
Erin Patten (15:49)
And and I'm sharing it with people, even if it doesn't have the the millions of views, because it means that much to me. And it's that valuable to me. And I believe and I believe and know that it can bring value to other people when they're able to receive it. So the proof is is is in you, is in your own being that it's worthy. And you have to feel into that.
Erin Patten (16:17)
And it takes time because a lot of times this aspect of the journey was really draining for me. It was really hard for me. It was really challenging for me. Because I wanted it to look like other people's journey. I really did. The comparison is real. The the the competition is real. And
Erin Patten (16:45)
And that part was draining for me. It wasn't sustainable. It's just not who I am. I'm I've never been a big competitor. I used to do sports. I used to do quote unquote competitive sports, but the competitive aspect of me was never the exciting part. The part that gave me fulfillment was the training. I love to train. I love to run. I love to sometimes sometimes I love to swim. I love to dance. But to go out and compete and try to race people.
Erin Patten (17:14)
And beat people and elbow people out the way. that to me was ridiculous, honestly. if we're here and it's it's I and I'm laughing because it the concept is so foreign because there because competition in sports is just so mainstream. And how I'm thinking about it likely is very not mainstream, maybe sounds ridiculous to people. However, that's just really how I felt. Like I just really felt like
Erin Patten (17:43)
I should just be running and doing my best and really beating myself. that's the only thing that matters. I don't need to prove that I'm better than anyone else. I've never felt that way, actually. And even from a young age. So it really makes sense now that going into this, you know, journey of being more of a public facing figure, and a lot of women who are listening to this, women leaders are in the public, are speaking.
Erin Patten (18:11)
again, may not have millions of followers yet, but certainly are are prominent people in their community. So being seen and and having to prove your worth may come along with it. And so essentially you do not have to prove your pain or prove your journey or prove that what you had to overcome or your credentials to be accepted, you know, to to deserve.
Erin Patten (18:41)
The six to deserve accolades, to deserve recognition, to deserve acknowledgement. And so we really want to just start sitting with that and understanding that that proving ourselves, that wound to to be seen as she's really in pain, or to s to see that trophy on the the table, to be like, she's really a winner. Neither one, because we know the pain that we endure.
Erin Patten (19:10)
And we know the successes and the wins that we have, period. And no one else needs to validate that for us. And that's really, I believe, what I had been always searching for was that external validation. Now that I'm, you know, walking myself through the proving, what are we trying to get out of that? Is the validation. And what is that validation? External love. It's the love, it's the performance for love. And
Erin Patten (19:41)
We don't need to do that when we know that we have that love for ourselves, when we know that we have that honor for ourselves, we have those healthy boundaries for ourselves, we have that nurturing for ourselves when we're in pain. So that external validation isn't necessary. It really isn't. And so when we get into our boundaries of what we want to share.
Erin Patten (20:09)
What we want to keep hidden, excuse me, what we want to keep private versus hidden. We don't want to hide what we want to keep private, then that's the work we need, that's the healthy boundaries. And we want to be able to name those very clearly for ourselves. And for me, the healthy boundaries are really just around the wounding. Because anything that I feel confident in, I am very eager to share.
Erin Patten (20:40)
And I think that for other women leaders, it's very similar. if you're feeling very confident in your work and confident in your in your relationship or confident in where you stand, it's very easy to talk about.
Erin Patten (20:53)
However, when we have been wounded, when we have been hurt, betrayed, talked about, judged, sharing that is much more difficult, first of all. And also it may not be the fullest truth and the highest truth in our being. Because sometimes as we're working through wounds, and I and I know this from personal experience, it it needs to be transmuted.
Erin Patten (21:21)
Fundamentally that's why the wound got triggered. It it was brought to my awareness, like, wow, this is an area of my life that really is painful. The judgment, especially, a really painful area. I need to work on this. I need to nurture this. I need to pray on this. I need to meditate with this. I need to sit with this. I need to journal about this. I need to talk to myself about this on my walks.
Erin Patten (21:48)
And so before we move into the posting and the sharing, and instead of the hiding, we keep these aspects, particularly the wounded aspects of ourselves, private as we heal. And there's a quote from Nadia Boltz-Weber who that says that we preach from our scars, not from our wounds. And I believe, and I got chills saying that because I remember when I was writing my book.
Erin Patten (22:18)
Or starting to write my book at the end of last year, around this time last year, I'll be writing about what was happening in my life. I was journaling out two at the same time. And it was obvious that a lot of the things that I was writing about, sometimes for the first time in my life, was coming from a wounded place. And the difference is the scar and the wound is the wounded place is generally the victim mind. Just point blank. In the wounded place, we're generally still
Erin Patten (22:48)
The victim. We're still feeling sorry for ourselves. We're still feeling really hurt. We're still feeling feeling the pain. Whereas when we have the scar, it's been healed. You may be able to still visibly see it, like you have the memory, but you don't have the emotional attachment. So you're able to speak to it without being emotionally impacted. And essentially that's where we want to be when we're posting, when we're sharing, when we're being visible, is in the in the healed place.
Erin Patten (23:18)
The scar the scar has been healed, it's healed the wound. So you can speak from that place very easily, very confidently, very inspiringly.
Erin Patten (23:31)
And so as we move past that wounded place, we come to a place of peace essentially. And so one way to be able to know that you're in your that place of peace is the body question. Okay. So picture it in being known. So do you settle in the body or do you brace? So that's really, especially for women, men is as well, feel into your physical body.
Erin Patten (23:58)
And your physical body is what gives you the signals for how you feel. If you're not able to consciously or intellectually sort it out, feel into your body. And if you feel spacious, if you feel settled, okay, that's peace. If you feel kind of clinchy or flinchy, or for me, I get really back cramps like in my lower abdomen and my sacral area.
Erin Patten (24:28)
The uterus area, that's the sacral. I when I get cramps there, then I know it's wounding, then I know I'm uncomfortable. I know it's it's it's it's not a good, it's that's a bad, that's it's a bad sign, you know, it's not a good sign. So you really want to start to feel into your body to understand: is this coming from a wounded place or is this coming from a place of peace? Okay. And then you can ask yourself the choice question. Could you share this?
Erin Patten (24:56)
situation or this experience if you wanted to just you could ask yourself sometimes yes or no questions are really good because you can just very impulsively answer that in your body and if you couldn't if you could not if you could share and you choose not to share that's privacy okay if you can't say it to yourself like if you can't even talk about it like I don't even want to talk
Erin Patten (25:25)
Then that's the wounded place. Okay. So sometimes you can ask yourself the question if you're not able to necessarily feel it in your body. And you're like, I could share this, you know, this information or this experience. However, I'm gonna choose not to. Or if you're not like, I can't even, I can't even talk about this, or I can't even deal with this myself right now, then you're certainly still in the wounded place and you need to give yourself time.
Erin Patten (25:54)
And then ask yourself the who question because this is also important. just in general and knowing who do I, who am I able to trust, who do I feel safe with? That's another one to share. I honestly feel really safe in my podcast, even though and I'm talking obviously to an audience of who knows how many. However, for me, I just feel really safe here.
Erin Patten (26:23)
And it could likely be because I'm talking by myself to myself. And but I really feel like my podcast community is also safe. Like I feel the comments I get are very respectful. It's just a very safe space. Even when I share it on Instagram. And I feel really safe talking to close friends, loved ones, who I've cultivated over the years, who I've, you know.
Erin Patten (26:50)
tested and proven over the years who can receive me and not judge me. And that takes time. So you really want to be able to know who is it are who am I keeping things from or who am I not sharing with. And you know, peace can be keeping it from the public. Like I really don't want to share some things publicly. I not even on my podcast. and when you have that wound, you're really keeping it from everyone. Like you're not even talking about it with yourself. And
Erin Patten (27:20)
Again, that is okay. Cause sometimes the wound is so deep that it may not even have words yet. It's so painful you don't even have the words to sort through it. And I have been there, especially in my grief moments, especially moments of deep, deep betrayal. The the the pain is so deep that sometimes it just you just have to rest. You just have to sleep. You just have to go for a walk. It's not even anything you can talk about with yourself.
Erin Patten (27:48)
And so we really just want, like I said, to have grace as always with where we're at and love for ourselves where we are, because the judgment just compounds the wound. And with this is a no-judgment zone. You have to keep telling yourself it's a no-judgment zone with me, with you, for myself. It's no judgment for myself. And so as we continue to kind of
Erin Patten (28:19)
Work on protecting our peace. We want to ask ourselves: am I protecting my peace or am I protecting my wound?
Erin Patten (28:30)
And again, like I said, it's okay to do both. You just have to know where you are by feeling into your body, checking into the sensations into your body, questioning yourself: can I talk about this with myself or with anyone else? Or can I not even speak about this? That's the difference between the peace and the wound. And when you're having that wound, you want to nurture it. You want to find ways to bring love and concern and attention.
Erin Patten (28:58)
And and gentleness, just like you would, especially for my mother's out there, for your your child, just like you would nurture your child or soot the soot the baby or soothe your pet. if you have really sweet pets, a cat or a dog or whatever kind of animal, you soothe them. They soothe you. And you want to be able to do that for yourself. You want to be able to soothe yourself, nurture yourself, love on yourself.
Erin Patten (29:28)
And that can look like so many different ways. I love TIF treats, cookies and ice cream. So for me, I will sometimes that's a way of nurturing myself as to have a sweet treat, have some cookies and ice cream, go for a walk, go sit in the hot tub, go to the steam room, take take a long shower and decondition my hair, take nurture myself, take care of myself. And notice all these things don't cost a whole lot of money.
Erin Patten (29:57)
I'm not saying go for a lavish vacation, go for a day at the most expensive spa. I haven't even like I used to have getting massages and acupuncture and all these things. I haven't even been able to do all that right now for various reasons. However, I'm still finding ways to nurture myself, to take care of myself very small ways. Very small ways. Cookies and ice cream. Or go for a walk.
Erin Patten (30:24)
Or find a a a steam room or a hot tub for at a friend's house or a gym. And and just find things that can really nurture you. Sit in nature. That's free free ninety-nine. So you really want to continue to to to find that peace within so that you are no longer hiding from yourself or from anyone else.
Erin Patten (30:52)
And instead, if you're wanting to choose to keep things private, that's operating from a place of confidence, from from sovereignty, from accountability, from power versus victim and judgment and fear. Okay? So that's all we want to do is stop hiding from ourselves. And if we need to, just be private, okay?
Erin Patten (31:21)
And I hope that this resonates with people. I know that there's a lot of subtlety in today's conversation. And honestly, this is just where we're at as as women leaders is the subtlety. And it's in the subtleties, in the details, essentially, where there is power and there is healing and there is grace and there is opportunity. And so
Erin Patten (31:47)
Thank you so much for for staying with me y'all in this conversation. And if you haven't already, I would love for you to just check me out across social media at I Am Erin Patton. And I also have my hair product, Raw Beauty, that I love to feature. And I'm gonna be starting to do my 30-day ritual with the Raw Beauty so you can see more about the hair journey and and how it's impacting my skin and my hair because it's both a skin body and and hair oil.
Erin Patten (32:18)
And of course, if you are really tapping in with me and the message is resonating, I'd love to sh to talk with you if you're interested in working with me in my divine mentorship program, where divine alignment mentorship program. And you can learn more about that at my website, aaronpatten.com. In the meantime, my podcast is a beautiful way to stay locked in, to continue to feed your soul.
Erin Patten (32:44)
And obviously always trying to give you teaching tips so that you can continue to grow along your journey. Until our next episode, I should send you so much love and light. Peace.